o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
