Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
