I seem to have left my pride at pride
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
