I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
