Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
