We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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