okay pat passed out under dana's car
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
There's even glitter on my cock...
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