I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Randomize
