I wish I could teleport
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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