cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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