Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
