I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
