And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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