He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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