Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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