I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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