You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Come on in and take your pants off
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
