so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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