oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
