she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
