dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
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