my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
