Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
