she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
