Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
