When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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