Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
