I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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