Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
