Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
