Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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