im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
