i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
