Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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