i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
