Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Randomize
