How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I will be naked everywhere
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Randomize
