Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
