I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
