I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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