I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
