I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Randomize
