I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Someone shattered a urinal.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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