no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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