The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
