Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
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