The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
