hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
