I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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