Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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