Already got asked if we're dating
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Randomize
