Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
